So she escaped and lived in her imagination every day, imagining a different family, a different town, a different world. A world where she was loved and felt safe. Needless to say when she turned 18 and graduated high school she left that town to never look back again. Then she began to numb. She chose a major that would help her master that. So after graduating with a degree in drugs and alcohol she was well on her way to self destruction. Then one day she picked up a paint brush. From that moment forward the only thing she wanted to do was make art. She had finally found a place where she could be free…free from hurt, free from anger, free from fear, free from hate. And she painted. Everyday. And she knew…..years ago, she knew painting was the only thing she ever wanted to do.

But, one day she forgot…

Something happened. She started letting people into her world, this magical, SAFE place filled with color and texture she had started to create for herself….and people laughed at her. They told her she was crazy and she would NEVER be a successful artist. People she loved and thought loved her. So she quit. She swore she would never pick up another paint brush again. She was mortified to think she could ever be successful at something she loved. And for the next seven years she played the role of a lifetime…..and the Oscar goes too…..

Then one day something happened. She felt like she couldn’t breath anymore. She was suffocating and life was once again beating down on her. Her foundation started to quake and pretty soon the fault line of her very existence started to shift and she found herself face to face with two choices: continue being the person everyone ELSE wanted her to be or put her big girl panties on and say FUCK YOU it is time to be the person she was created to be!

So, she picked her paint brushes back up. And the person she set out be be years earlier and just didn’t have the balls to be began to emerge. She has had to let a lot of people go….people she loved very much but just were not capable of walking beside her in this journey. She had to learn the hard truth that not everyone in this world is capable of loving unconditionally and HATE comes in many forms and wears many masks.

This woman is one of the strongest, most passionate, beautiful women I know! She inspires me everyday to be a better more authentic me. She picks me up when I am down. She reminds me of who I really am when I can’t remember. She stands up for me when I am being mistreated. She fucks up on a daily basis but has taught me how to forgive myself when that happens. She is flawed and vulnerable and walks within the light of that. She has the most AMAZING friends and has taught me how to be a good friend in return. But what I think moves me the most about this woman is her unwavering belief in herself and her Gift.

I would like to dedicate this Blog to her. Because without her I would not be where I am today. So, Loryn I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you. You will never know what you mean to me……..

As an artist I can easily say there really is no worse feeling than seeing something I created or had a hand in creating with someone else’s name on it and no credit to myself. Granted, I am of the philosophy, mimicking behavior is the highest form of flattery but there is a very clear and present difference between mimicking and stealing.

I believe artists are often times inspired by each other and we just as often try to learn techniques through others’ work in hopes of our own work evolving. In fact, I love nothing more than sharing my own process with others an seeing what they may gain from it. I have to draw a line however, when it comes to an actual piece of work I was a part of creating whether 100, 75, 50 or 25 percent. I expect due credit to be applied to any and ALL artists. For example if there is a group of 5 artists responsible for an installation piece I would expect to see the names of all five artists in conjunction with the relevant piece. And not I only do I expect this credit, I am relieved to share this “credit” is protected by federal law (at least here in the states).

In fact, there are many laws to protect everything from “intellectual property,” to copyrightable/ed material, to co authorship. To put it bluntly, it is illegal to to use someone else’s “copyrightable” material and NOT give them due credit. It is really that simple.

It. Is. Against. The. Law.

I know artists all over the world have dealt with and/or continue to deal with copyright infringement or theft of “intellectual property.” I also have experienced it. And it is infuriating. Look people…this is my career. This isn’t a fucking hobby I dabble in when I have time. My art IS my work! My art IS how I make a living. My art IS my existence. And there are no lengths I wont go to, to protect that! For my artist friends out there…educate yourselves on the law and do what you need to do to protect yourselves and your work. Learn from my mistakes…a little money and time from the beginning is an investment that you will get a return from for the rest of your career! xx

So when the opportunity presented itself I made myself available to her completely and whole heartedly. The way I engage every experience in my life. This is the only way I can create the work I create….raw, real and intensely emotionally charged. And so it became this cat and mouse game between us for a bit, with the roles switching constantly. It was fun, it was playful and oh so very sexy. But there was always this tone between us, even if only energetically. It was a dark energy, yet compelling and almost inviting. To say one of us was completely responsible for bringing that energy to the table would be insane not to mentioned very unevolved. It was an energy WE created together. A cocktail mixed of the purest grain with very little ice. And it always tasted so good but created one hell of a hangover.

It makes sense she gave me Ani, fifteen years ago on a mix tape….wow. Of course she was there when I had her words permanently tattooed on my back. This was all essential to the cocktail we created. It had to be. Because you see, now, I have this place on my body, a permanent reminder of everything her soul was meant to teach me in this lifetime. Everything I ever felt with her. Every piece of work I ever created and will continue to create with her energy. You see, she is always a part of me now. And the world will see how she changed me.

I will end with this….
I love you, Sheila….this is not your fault! I know this! It has to be this way, for we designed it to Be. How any one could ever hate after a broken heart I will NEVER understand because it only makes me love more. xx

p.s. These words made her smile.

Here is the thing, I have read the Bible, sections of it over and over again. I am NOT a scholar nor care to be one but have a pretty good idea of the incredible contradictory nature of the Bible in general. First and foremost it is a book, FACT, written by some MAN’s (or several men’s), FACT, interpretation, FACT, of God’s word, ASSUMPTION, centuries ago, FACT, written at a time when woman were considered second class citizens, FACT. It is terrifying how many people base the foundation of their existence, politics and personal bigotries on such.

It is these same people who will then wield their Bible as a weapon. A weapon fueled with hate, discrimination and fear. How many people have died, either at the hands of some right winged fundamental extremist or at their own hands, always to be covered up with God’s holy word? How many doctors have had their lives threatened if not taken because they are on the front lines everyday providing women with a choice? That’s it, just a choice. How many women continue to be oppressed because some man has decided we are to be seen and not heard? And how many people continue to fight for basic human rights, rights so many take for granted, because they fall in love with someone of the same sex? All of this, driven by fear, hate and MAN’s interpretation of a book.

Add to this, the concept, a human interpreted concept mind you, of places we call heaven and hell. Again both driven by fear. The fear of some eternal existence of fire and damnation. If we don’t live a certain way, follow certain human created rules (conveniently blamed on God) we will end up burning eternally, which in all honesty does not sound that bad to me…then again I have always liked playing with fire. So we spend our entire childhood being taught fear in the form of eternal punishment by some horned creature with a pointy tail holding a pitchfork…if we don’t follow some unknown man’s interpretation of centuries old literature. Really?? How do people really believe thus stuff?? I get, as children how easy it is to wrap our heads around such monsters but as grown adults, it scares me more then anything to think people believe in this. And then they are making choices throughout their entire lives based off the fear of this monstrous creature we all learned about as children.

Now, I could go on to quote all sorts of scripture in support of my personal thoughts on this matter. But, then that wouldn’t make me any better then the Bible wielding, fear driven majority of Christians. And that’s the point. So, instead I will offer a different sort of challenge. What if for one day we all pretended there was no heaven and hell (props to John Lennon), no big MAN in the sky looking down on us with judgement and condemnation, waiting to make that fatal decision where our souls end up based on how well we followed certain rues? What if for one day we could see each other for just the mere human beings we are: all of us unique, individuals with different likes and dislikes, without harsh judgement and self righteous attitudes that say you are right and we are wrong for loving beyond gender? In fact, I think it is a gift to love without the boundaries of gender. It is one of the purest forms of love that goes way beyond the physical plane. So, instead of being afraid of that kind of love and have that fear be a driving force in your life, just look at me like a human being for one day, beautiful, creative, and imperfect just like the rest of you, no better, no worse.
We have this one life.
Personally I would rather love….
…..without boundaries.