I know this girl and I would like to tell you a little bit about her because she has changed my life! She was afraid of EVERYTHING, lived a life driven by fear. She grew up in a small town with small minds. Her childhood was centered around fear and abuse. If I remember correctly it wasn’t until her mid 30s until she could even say the word abuse and her name in the same sentence. She had spent her entire life justifying her childhood. If only she would have been a better kid, listened better, dressed better, did better in school her parents would have loved her better…..
So she escaped and lived in her imagination every day, imagining a different family, a different town, a different world. A world where she was loved and felt safe. Needless to say when she turned 18 and graduated high school she left that town to never look back again. Then she began to numb. She chose a major that would help her master that. So after graduating with a degree in drugs and alcohol she was well on her way to self destruction. Then one day she picked up a paint brush. From that moment forward the only thing she wanted to do was make art. She had finally found a place where she could be free…free from hurt, free from anger, free from fear, free from hate. And she painted. Everyday. And she knew…..years ago, she knew painting was the only thing she ever wanted to do.
But, one day she forgot…
Something happened. She started letting people into her world, this magical, SAFE place filled with color and texture she had started to create for herself….and people laughed at her. They told her she was crazy and she would NEVER be a successful artist. People she loved and thought loved her. So she quit. She swore she would never pick up another paint brush again. She was mortified to think she could ever be successful at something she loved. And for the next seven years she played the role of a lifetime…..and the Oscar goes too…..
Then one day something happened. She felt like she couldn’t breath anymore. She was suffocating and life was once again beating down on her. Her foundation started to quake and pretty soon the fault line of her very existence started to shift and she found herself face to face with two choices: continue being the person everyone ELSE wanted her to be or put her big girl panties on and say FUCK YOU it is time to be the person she was created to be!
So, she picked her paint brushes back up. And the person she set out be be years earlier and just didn’t have the balls to be began to emerge. She has had to let a lot of people go….people she loved very much but just were not capable of walking beside her in this journey. She had to learn the hard truth that not everyone in this world is capable of loving unconditionally and HATE comes in many forms and wears many masks.
This woman is one of the strongest, most passionate, beautiful women I know! She inspires me everyday to be a better more authentic me. She picks me up when I am down. She reminds me of who I really am when I can’t remember. She stands up for me when I am being mistreated. She fucks up on a daily basis but has taught me how to forgive myself when that happens. She is flawed and vulnerable and walks within the light of that. She has the most AMAZING friends and has taught me how to be a good friend in return. But what I think moves me the most about this woman is her unwavering belief in herself and her Gift.
I would like to dedicate this Blog to her. Because without her I would not be where I am today. So, Loryn I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being you. You will never know what you mean to me……..