Though authentic vulnerable living is in my opinion really the only way to live the truth is so much of the time it is so hard. And I don’t think we talk about it enough. For which I don’t mean bitching and complaining because things don’t go our way or playing the victim as if things happen TO us and not because of us. I mean discuss what it is for each of us as individual’s that challenges us to the core of who we are -that build up of karmic debt from lifetimes on top of lifetimes. We don’t, as a general population, speak to one another from a place of healing wounds and fresh scar tissue. If we did this, I believe this world would be an entirely different experience.
It’s hard living being this open and this vulnerable all the time: remaining steadfast in spite of the fault lines of our humanity creating fissures through our souls, learning to quiet the static of all the chaos and really, deeply hearing our selves, investing our heart and soul in everything and everyone we love and believe in, knowing as with any investment comes risk.
I think about how about many times I have been told how brave I am, how strong, but the truth is I am just as afraid and weak as every other human is. It is a challenge every single day for me to not give into my fears or fall to my knees grief stricken from my own personal pain. Both of which at this point in my life I can say I have a pretty up close and personal relationship with, know these parts of myself probably a little bit more then I would like too. But look, there is magic in this equation of love over loss.
My friend Cat, who for the record happens to be one of the most fantastic human beings I am privileged to know, taught me something recently. While in the midst of something horribly painful for me, she offered me this thought (and I am going to paraphrase): think of everything you are being taught through this, Loryn: you’re learning to love deeper, you’re learning new parts of yourself that you never knew existed….BE grateful because these are Gifts. And for the first time ever I was able to step outside myself and really look at the big picture and not allow myself to be consumed by the pain. And yes, it is fucking hard to do because ultimately I think it means letting go. Letting go of our past in order to move into the present. And who the fuck wants to let go of something they know so well for something completely unknown.
And you see, it is this existence of being in the present, no longer shackled to our past that as vulnerable as we may be, as terrified and scarred, we are real, authentic, precious souls wanting nothing more then to give and receive unconditional love. And the reality is, this is hard.