I don’t know how to Be if I am not Being real. I don’t know how to exist if I am not sharing my story. So, when I share with you what my broken heart feels like, please know it because it is all I know how to do in this moment. And it is my truth and my experience to own. I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with her. I think I have always been on some level after we first met. And though we really only existed on the periphery of each others lives for more years then I care to count, every time we would connect it was as if she had this direct entrance right into my soul. I was always so transparent with her. I don’t know how and I don’t know why….she was always my undoing.
So when the opportunity presented itself I made myself available to her completely and whole heartedly. The way I engage every experience in my life. This is the only way I can create the work I create….raw, real and intensely emotionally charged. And so it became this cat and mouse game between us for a bit, with the roles switching constantly. It was fun, it was playful and oh so very sexy. But there was always this tone between us, even if only energetically. It was a dark energy, yet compelling and almost inviting. To say one of us was completely responsible for bringing that energy to the table would be insane not to mentioned very unevolved. It was an energy WE created together. A cocktail mixed of the purest grain with very little ice. And it always tasted so good but created one hell of a hangover.
It makes sense she gave me Ani, fifteen years ago on a mix tape….wow. Of course she was there when I had her words permanently tattooed on my back. This was all essential to the cocktail we created. It had to be. Because you see, now, I have this place on my body, a permanent reminder of everything her soul was meant to teach me in this lifetime. Everything I ever felt with her. Every piece of work I ever created and will continue to create with her energy. You see, she is always a part of me now. And the world will see how she changed me.
I will end with this….
I love you, Sheila….this is not your fault! I know this! It has to be this way, for we designed it to Be. How any one could ever hate after a broken heart I will NEVER understand because it only makes me love more. xx