I gave up trying to paint. I kept finding myself thinking about shit I needed to say. So now I’m gonna say it.
So here I am…re engaging into something that continues to drive me into new places within myself. Some places that are amazing, filled with inspiration, light, magic, and a gazillion colors, of course. Some places, that well….aren’t so amazing. Places deep and dark surrounded in fear, abandonment, and intense desperation at times. It was all too much, I had to check out for a bit. In fact I am comfortable comparing it to the splitting of the atom – Massive amounts of energy exploding in a million different directions. With all sorts of things ending up damaged in the cross fire.
But, re engaged I am. And I have no fucking idea if its safe or not. But, what I do know is it will be whatever I want it to be. Because ultimately I am the master of my own universe. As I try desperately to listen to myself and drown out the noise of all around me…what I hear my self saying is, being disconnected is hurting worse then being connected. And, ironically I find myself re evaluating my own vulnerability within the act of connection. It was so terrifying to me before, that I ended up creating a space for fear and pain to leak in. There for becoming unhealthy.
Hence, “project disengagement.”.
So, on the words of some of my own advise, I am stepping into my fears…AGAIN! I am coming into them vulnerably and completely. I won’t go any other way. I can’t. Could I end up hurt? Absolutely! But it will be of my own doing and at least I will have lived authentically, with integrity through it!
Hence, “project re engagement.”
………..eeeeeeek!
